Self-Harm Awareness Month is March of every year.  Many individuals believe that self harm is attention seeking or automatically indicates that some one is suicidal.  Both of these statements are myths and couldn’t be more misleading.  As a champion of mental wellness I cannot stress how important it is that we, as individuals and as a culture, begin to look at the root of people’s behaviors to determine an appropriate level of support and intervention.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) shares that self harm is not uncommon, especially for our youth and young adults. Self harming behavior is a characteristic of emotional distress.  It is important to note that self harm is not a mental illness.  Instead self harm is a symptom of other mental illnesses.

NAMI shares that individuals that self harm might also be diagnosed with:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Depression Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

Eating Disorders

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Individuals who are most likely to be at risk for self harm behaviors are those who have experienced abuse, trauma, or neglect.  If you would like to learn more about self harm and mental wellness, click here to be directed to the article by NAMI

As a social worker I am familiar with self harm.  As a mother I remember the hard conversations with both our boys when life was challenging for them.  Discussions of life being unfair, emotional check-ins, and real conversations about coping took place often in our home.  Those conversations became much more real after Isaac died and I clung to Gabe, needing to know where, what, and how he was doing ALL the time.  I told myself I failed one child, but I would not fail the other.

That first year of grief was brutal in ways I could never articulate until year two approached. I realize I had lived that first year torn between two worlds so I could continue to mother both of my children.  In those early months after Isaac died, my life would spiral out of control in anxiousness when I could not reach Jon or Gabe by phone. Then, that anxious mess turned to more and more bouts of feeling nothing.  I oscillated between ugly snot cries, episodes of anxiety, and dark moments of feeling nothing.

The Crisis Text Line shares that self harm is emotional pain.

I have never had thoughts of wanting to end my life even in the darkest moments of my emotional ache.  I did however have moments of questioning how I would hold the emotions of joy and sorrow in a world that is constantly reframing grief to timelines and stages.  Our family lost so much the day I found Isaac dead.  The life I had mapped  out for our family was gone.  The idea I had missed something critical became a daily thought ruminating in my mind.  What kind of social worker or mother am I if I can’t save my own child? My emotional pain kept increasing and my ability to express it was decreasing.  I slowly became numb, hiding behind tears and a false smile.

Several months into our own grief, another family who we loved joined our club. The suicide devastation and loss of human life was overwhelming.  It was dangerous to feel.  What if I felt things that would intensify my shame, anger, or grief?  I knew in my heart I was never going to be the same.  My time line consisted of life with Isaac and life without Isaac, questioning if I could emotionally or physically feel  after losing a child to suicide.  I had moments of thinking, “If I cut myself would I even feel or would I just bleed?” When your heart is so broken, feeling is a dangerous place.  I am forever grateful for those who journeyed beside me and encouraged me to feel, even when it was more than I thought I could hold.

The Crisis Text Line  has a great article on how to cope with self harm.  I strongly encourage everyone to read about self harm to further their own understanding of this symptom.  Often we are reminded that mental wellness is not one dimensional.  Losing a child to suicide is one of the greatest emotional aches I will know in this lifetime and learning how to navigate Isaac’s death is a daily task that requires me to feel and be mindful to the present.